Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

   If you think your job stinks, how would you like to be a member of the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashians 24/7.

   It's only a matter of time before "Security Cameras of Wal-mart" becomes a reality show.

   If you think your job stinks, think about the kid that cleans the bathroom at Taco Bell

   Come on ‪#‎Chevy‬ just one commercial break without Kid Rock

   If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes" ?

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   Kids, if you "can't afford tuition" because the payment on your new car is so much, you're doing it wrong...

   it just me or has Aunt Jemima lost weight

   Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.

   "Kicking butt and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club

   A women's clothes tell you a lot about her mood. If they are on your bedroom floor, she's horny.

   I'm just here for the relationship advice from single people.

   If you really want to get under someone's skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.

   If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

   Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

   Dear radio and TV stations. There's a 100% likelihood I'm changing the station the second I hear a car commercial.

   What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

   Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.