Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   Hey, people who only order one drink at last call. What's it like to be a quitter?

   People who get drunk after one beer: what's it like, being criminally insane?

   I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   january 2014: "this will be my year" august 2014: "I swear 2015 will be my year"

   I like animal puns. They make me laugh until I am horse.

   I hate people that say "Only God can judge me"... No, I'm pretty sure I can judge you too. Climb down off your high horse where you belong Pocahontas!!

   the FDA can approve breast implants so why cant they decide that medicinal weed is ok everywhere?.... I haven't seen an autopsy where "small boobs" was cause of death.

   Welcome to loneliness club. Today we have special guests,,, Bag Of Doritos and Season 5 of Lost... Since it's just me, let's go ahead and start.

   And the award for best neckwear goes to....... Hmmm,, Well would you look at that, it's a tie

   what would be the reaction of Hollywood actor ice cube with the on going "ice bucket challenge"

   Welcome to Sign Language 101,, Can anyone tell me what this red sign is?.. Anyone?.. Anyone??,, It's a stop sign... How about this yellow one?... No?... Hello?,, What, are you guys deaf?

   FYI: A ton of people is only like ten or fifteen people.... or 5 Wal-mart customers

   LIFE is a game a REAL game

   No its not a nightmare. You are just married.

   MARRIAGE TIP: Don't get fat.

   IS and the Ice Bucket Challenge must be stopped at all cost.

   Punk's not dead. Punk is resting its eyes. Punk works hard all week. Just please, go play quietly and let punk sleep.

   I nominate everyone for the vodka bucket challenge.