Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A bucket of ice water is no challenge. Now, a bucket of s#it from a portajohn is a challenge. . .

   It's the perfect time to replace ALS with Ebola.

   Johnny bravo has taught me a great deal about how to deal with rejection.

   Can I have your cyber-attention please ?

   "Excuse me, are you using this mirror?" - Me, at the gym

   Hi, i'll have a venti cafe mocha vodka val!um latte to go please! Me at the Starbucks Barista.

   A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

   Wouldn't it be ironic if dousing with cold water caused cancer??

   I'm yet to see hot chics do the Ice Bucket challenge in a t-shirt. Come on ladies...I'm waiting.

   Get your popcorn ready! It's Movie Night in Ferguson again!!

   FACT: 10 out of 10 people will eventually die.. Probably not a bad idea to give Jesus a try... Just saying

   Amongst all the beautiful women in this world.. There's always an idiot ex-boyfriend, who still expects her love again.

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

   Hey girl, are you an angel? Because your hair's in my pasta. I'd like to speak to the manager.

   I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.

   My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.

   A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.

   I don't understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge

   Growing up Italian. My mothers meatballs are better than your Moms. . .