Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that

   In case if emergency, your seat cushion may be used to choke that annoying crying baby closest to you.

   Marraige is a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child which cannot be handled by his parents anymore...

   Robin Williams dies and suddenly Facebook is full of people with medical & psychology degrees

   if you sneeze near an atheist they just ignore you because they know its just a natural phenomenon.

   Tony Stewart just announced he has Parkinson's Disease too.

   Poodles are just dogs that listened to too much Kenny G.

   Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   "Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."

   This Herbal Essences body spray isn't working like I had hoped.

   31 States, 1618 Languages, 6 Major Religions, 29 National Festivals, 1 Country!! Happy Independence Day INDIA

   Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.

   Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

   The three basic rules to plumbing: 1. Hot goes on the left. 2. Cold goes on the right. 3. $h!t won't flow uphill.

   Surprised I didn't see pics of kids kicking and screaming titled, "Second Day Of School"

   If at first you don't succeed then maybe skydiving isn't your thing.

   Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It's their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.

   God: Women will bleed for a week. Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time? God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

   I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!