Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook. The lost and found for people. . .

   Smokey Bear just celebrated his 70th birthday. Smokey bear is 70. Can you believe he's that old? Smoky says he puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them!

   Dude! Just watched that show ghost hunters and dude! I definitely need to figure out how I can get that time I wasted back

   If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.

   Hey Spotify, safe for work does not translate to safe for my masculinity when Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me, goes blaring through the shop. It probably didn't help that I knew all the words and the dance from the video either.

   Shhhhh! I can't hear about how God spoke to you! I'm busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

   Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.

   not sure who is the bigger ahole the guy who uses a blinker and dosent turn or the one who dosent use one and turns.

   I better get some sleep. These spiders aren’t going to eat themselves.

   I got to work late this morning, so I guess I'll have to leave early to make up for it.

   Breasts are like a model train set. They were originally meant for children, but fathers always want to play with them.

   Oh no, you're not going to try and cheer me up, are you?

   anyone else having technical problems on Facebook? Just checking before I call 911...

   I'm no race car driver, but I haven't killed anyone this week. Yet...

   If you're so damn smart, why aren't you rich?

   If he doesn't with the Super Bowl this year with the Jets. Rex Ryan asked Bill Belichick to sell him one of his Super Bowl rings. . .

   "Frosted Flakes is a part of this complete breakfast,,, which is also complete if you remove the Frosted Flakes."

   Checked myself for ticks but I didn't hear anything.