Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.

   Tomorrow is "Drag your ex behind your car to work day".

   "If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   I was wondering if I go on a Banana diet, will I end up throwing my feces like a gorilla does. . .

   My analysis reveals that, via his crafty use of the double negative,,, Ray Parker Jr was, in fact,, afraid of *some* ghosts.

   Imagine how much pride you'll feel being eaten by lions.

   I couldn't afford to visit the zoo, so I went to the trailer park instead.

   Anyone who isn't schizophrenic these days isn't thinking clearly.

   Well well well, if it isn't the girl who escaped from my trunk.

   Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.

   If I get murdered at any given time...my chalk outline will be holding a beer.

   pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law

   My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.

   White girls who don't get naked when you're drunk.. Explain yourselves.

   my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing

   Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.

   Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.