Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wanna know what the Toronto Maple Leaf players do for the summer? Apparently they play soccer for Brazil. bawaaa!

   Alarm clock alarms in the morning!!! Scolari's wife: Sir wake up it is 7. Scolari: Ohhhh, have they scored another one!!!!!

   As usual the UN remains inactive in yet another massacre in Brazil #WorldCup2014

   I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.

   Tony Orlando loved to eat at the crack of Dawn.

   You know perfect people are annoying because it is difficult to take advantage of them

   Walking around Wal Mart with my left shoe off.

   The Germans ate Brazil for dinner. They were the wurst!

   "Who can I blame for my problems? Give me a minute, I'll find someone" - finger pointers and cowards alike

   Jeremy Meeks the hot convict set to get a $100,000 per month modelling contract. While with my college degree, I'm expected to earn in a year at the PEAK of my future career. I love how our society glorifies violent criminals when honest, hard-working peo

   Why swallow ur pride ,when you can make someone swallow their teeth

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

   I have eggs in a carton in the back of the frig. I think they've been there for months. They now may be an I.E.D. I don't know what to do. Advise please, OVER?

   “The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

   I totally love and fully respect that you're a little bit slutty

   The only bad thing about not caring if the toilet paper roll goes under or over is forgetting which way you put it on while taking a dump in the dark

   "Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"

   *gay guy hits on me* ME: I'm straight. GAY GUY: So is spaghetti, until it's hot & wet. If any man gets to have me, it's this dude...

   As long as I have my hand up her skirt, she is my puppet.

   I had to explain to my brother that a milf is supposed to be someone else's mother..