Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear air conditioning: I don't think I've ever truly expressed how grateful I am for you. Now please keep cranking out that cold air.......

   Obama has added a new amendment to our constitution by exec order: No taxation without representation...unless said representation doesn't pass every law Obama wants passed.

   Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

   I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.

   It's all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it's voodoo dolls and arson reports.

   I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.

   Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.

   Cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

   Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

   Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

   Life's a piano and I'm playing it wearing boxing gloves.

   It's time once again for Americans to celebrate our independence by combining explosives and large amounts of alcohol.

   Best worm parent advice... Try to sleep in kids.

   POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.

   What doesn't kill me makes my wife go back to the drawing board and try just a little harder the next time.

   Stop acting like you don't care. I'm starting to believe you.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   The thing's you think of when its 1:30 in the morning What if carpet grew like grass and every once in a while you would have to mow the lounge room