Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that they found this missing boy in the basement of his own home, I have to ask: Has anyone recently checked the tarmac for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370?

   The stain in the front of women's panties is called "clitty litter."

   The mile high club is bullsh*t unless you're both anorexic!!

   I ask, "when are you due" with impunity because fat chicks can't run very fast, anyway.

   Your husband is a in a better place, Mrs. Smith. He's in the stomach of a shark now. How badass is that

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.

   It's not Adam and Steve it's Adam and “we need to talk”

   Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.

   can someone please tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian

   In many cultures, it's considered good luck to be bitten by Luis Suarez.

   My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.

   Why is it called necrophilia and not sexual intercorpse

   Iraq is just like big lottery winners. Give them a couple of years and they're worse off than before.

   When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.

   people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   Shopping on the Total Wine website for some good wine, they have a lot of filter categories such as red/white, merlot/cabernet, california/italy, etc but the biggest one missing is Bottle/Box!!!!! Geez, What were they thinking.

   It's been a while since anybody has posted they're having a bagel, sorry no pictures. . .

   If a rich man is hanging out with your woman - all I'm saying is she's willing to at least listen to other d*ck options. Beware dude:(

   It's a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.

   Paid a kid $20.00 to cut my grass - I've officially created more jobs this year than Obama.......