Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.

   The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson

   The difference between Mafia and the Pope is that his victims will DEFEND him! How perfect is that? RELIGION : It keeps simpletons happy!

   Did you know vegan is short for joyless judgemental twat.

   The Pope excommunicates Italian Mafia: I wonder who the next pope is gonna be...

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "I'm taking it all with me b*tches." - Sting

   SCUBA: Shark Comes Up Bites Ass

   Im proud to announce that my work has upgraded the toilet paper selection from 1-ply rapidly dissolving paper to 2-ply soft on your rear end stuff. The CEO must have received my letters.

   When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot

   Black girls can easily commit a crime and get away with it becuase the forensic unit would find hair at the crime scene and trace it back to Brazil!

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   I mean, who hasn't been in a drug deal gone bad?

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   in other news...A TSA member was arrested today in Miami. When the HOmeland Security searched her house, aside from finding a px4 hand gun, some mariajana....they found a disney snowglobe fulled of a suspicious white powder!

   So when those annoying Student/Bill Debt collectors call and ask me to verify my information and this call maybe recorded for training purposes....I usually tell em my number recently changed, n give them some other debt collector's number! problem solved

   “Mom I’m bleeding”“Oh sweetie there’s" "no need to be worried it's just a sign ur becomin a woman" "Thnk God, I was really starting to get worried about this axe inmy shoulder!"

   Me: "Do you want to go out” Her: "Like on a date?" Me: "No...out on a bridge so I can push you off!"

   I love this new Pope...He is so different! I dont even think he's not even Christian. He excommunicated Italian Mafias on Mafia war. He's like Go to chruch...or nah! hashtag whateves!