Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm gonna poke everyone's girlfriend and wife just to see who responds.." wait for it...

   A Virginia woman on Tuesday graduated high school at the age of 111. She’s the first person to graduate high school and have her whole life behind her.

   That felon whose mugshot has women swooning over him is proof enough that women are crazy and perverts too.

   •••note to self•••- Remember to take half pack of M&Ms out of pocket before washing and drying said pants.

   If you walk a mile in my shoes you'll wind up at the bar.

   When you look at the time left on a movie and you start panicking because you feel there’s still so much left to do and so little time left.

   Sex so good she didn't even wake up.

   I'm at my sexiest when I unhinge my jaw to eat a burger

   Women who claim their favorite TV show is Keeping Up With The Kardashians, are just confessing they'll give blow jobs for a shopping spree.

   I don't have anxiety, as much as internal chaos.

   "So who wants to get arrested tonight?" - Alcohol

   I'll be right with you, I'm busy being inappropriate on the internet.

   Re the World Cup: Instead of wars how about countries settle their disputes with a soccer game? After all, they usually end up in a riot anyhow.

   You just know Quentin Tarantino has killed at least one hooker.

   I can't wait to meet that special someone who I will eventually stop having sex with.

   The friend zone is just another place to have sex

   Dan Snyder finally agreed that the name Washington Redskins is offensive, so from now on they'll be known simply as the Redskins.

   Washington can just change their mascot to a potato. Problem solved.

   Pope Francis denounces the Mafia. Talk about the kettle calling the pot black.

   Kim Kardashian is back in the studio, working on an album? She's turning her sex tape into a musical?