Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

   Wanna know about people you don't need in you life? Post something with a misspelling and see how fast they "must" correct you

   BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!

   I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans

   I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy's house, with a gas can and a lighter because he didn't respond to my text.

   Have you tried wrapping your feelings in a tortilla?

   "Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"

   The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I'm the only party guest.

   Thought I wanted love. Turns out I just want a tattoo.

   Not now, I'm busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.

   I've even started lying about my age on the treadmill at the gym.

   Name your pet python Strangles cause its fun to to say "Oh that's just Strangles being Strangles" when he's strangling stuff

   Yes today is the first full moon on a Friday the 13th in 14 years. The next will be October 13, 2049...blah blah blah #STFU

   A speed bump but made out of my ex.

   Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

   Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

   Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

   Do you ever start writing a status and halfway through you’re just like “nah”

   Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”