Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I'll take lookout.

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   Listen science. I see all your progress with erectile dysfunction and all. And that's great. But yo. Wireless phone chargers. For realsies.

   Sex so good...she even made the neighbor a sandwich.

   I've had no trouble feeding my boa constrictor since I found those free kittens on Craiglist.

   Just got more spam from AmishGuy -- I am starting to wonder if it's legit.

   Email your congressman and demand recognition for Precedents Day! So what if we never had one before.

   Luke Skywalker never found a girlfriend because he was looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Some mermaids never marry, they just end up with like 200 catfish.

   Wondering if celebrities hang pictures in their homes of famous restaurant owners.

   The best way to remember someone's name is to slap them

   I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.

   Sometimes you can get noticed by using wit and charm. Other times, stare in their window. Staring in their window always gets you noticed.

   October 13, 2000 was the last full moon on Friday the 13th. The next will be October 13, 2049. Check your facts SULLY.

   who cares when the next full moon happens

   I often wonder about people who say : Feels like I am wearing a diaper. I am curious is that something they practice in private. . .

   Another phrase/saying I do not understand : Some people are real a$$holes. Is that any different from a fake a$$hole. . .

   The O.J. Simpson chase: The slowest whyte Bronco since John Elway.

   WTF Domino's, a cookie pizza sound way better than chicken with $hit on it!!

   Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...