Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry, I got your back. And your ass. And a little in your hair too.

   I look so young for my rage.

   Of course I care about you, I put my d*ck in your mouth didn't I? - Men

   Paying taxes is why middle class America can't have nice things

   20 selfies of your meltdown or it didn't happen.

   Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.

   Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That's it. That's the joke.

   I need a new bad decision.

   Thinking burns calories. This is why so many of us are fat.

   Somewhere in the world is a woman named Rosetta Stone, and her husband still has no clue what the hell she's talking about.

   Oh, you're a social drinker, I'm an anti-social drinker, nice to never meet you.

   Women are beautiful creatures. Just beware of the claws, and fangs.

   The worst part about having a teenager is every time I lose my weed, I freak out and wonder if my son took it.

   Hey airlines; how 'bout you seat all the heavyweights in the same rows? I only got to sit in half the seat I paid for today!

   I give different relationship advice to ugly people than I give to beautiful ones coz the rules are not the same.

   Don't be upset that you're single; be happy that someone isn't ruining your life.

   Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.

   I'm killing drinks like it's the alcoholocaust.

   I'm regreterosexual.

   Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.