Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   $15 minimum wage, I don't think so. Maybe we should focus on lowering the cost of an education instead. That way it rewards those that are willing to work for a better life.

   If you swap five copperheads for a rattlesnake, your kids still won't be any safer in the yard. Same with terrorists and traitors.....

   it illegal to make a right turn into the right lane these days??

   Obama has finally assembled a solid team. Unfortunately, it was for the Taliban.

   When I see a girl with a lot of make up on her face.....I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face!

   If he looks unhappy, make him bacon, rub his belly, and break out the rubber toys. Dogs love that $h!t.

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding

   Roses are red Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellow I bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just plain old gardening facts.

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”

   Dating sites should have a section for people to leave a review for the person they went out with.

   Watching Maury and the guy says " having sex with her is like having sex with a unsanitized diaper"

   This one time, I had a goldfish that could totally break dance on my carpet..........but only for about 20 seconds...

   a painter paints pictures on canvas musicians paint the pictures on silence unless you're a musician in a cover band your painting by numbers over a bunch of loud mouth drunks

   You may think the grass is greener on the other side,but if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..

   Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?

   what makes fancy green beans fancy?

   I'm no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.