Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 4 things wrong at once

   You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.

   I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.

   Told my son, If you hit a game-ending home run it just seems polite to go ahead and pick up the bases as you go around.

   Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."

   My biggest fear is that some day my wife will find all the ice cubes I've kicked under the fridge.

   Apparently sticking gum in a girl's hair no longer counts as flirting.

   If I ever die I want to be buried in my refrigerator in case I wake up and want pudding.

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice.

   They came out with a GPS device for bird watchers that has tern by tern directions.

   "You can't give the World to someone who's only ready for the city"

   Daenerys Targaryen is such an overrated character "ohh look at me I have dragons" you know who else had a Dragon Rubeus Hagrid.

   When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…

   Bowe Bergdahl’s father looks like that Duck Dynasty guy.

   I am hoping on game of thrones when Daenerys Targaryen's dragons get older they magically turn into Puff and it all goes cartoon.

   My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...

   some people should put professional victim on their resumé

   WTF. Adam Lavine photoshops his face onto my body? so pissed right now...

   How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?