Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another Saturday night alone. I plan on jerking off into a sock then crying myself to sleep...

   So if TEBOWING is dropping to 1 knee, then I assume dropping to 2 knees would be considered SAMMING?

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But unfortunately you're still idiot.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But, it shouldn’t give you an opportunity to commit more.

   Him: I'd like to get into your pants. Her: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. It's the same when you are stupid.

   Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   Not only am I saying I am out of your league, but we don't even play the same sport.

   During the week your FB wall rivals p0rn sites but on sunday it's suddenly transformed into a religious shrine.

   How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.

   I'm so stoned........ It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light. Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

   Manipulating people for your own gain is wrong. Please like if you agree.

   Really, Fresh Prince's mother? One little fight and you ship him across the continent? You won't get a "#1 Mom" mug from me, I assure you.

   Once you've made a person feel like they don't matter, they'll leave you alone, but they'll never forget.

   P0rnhub will only let you watch 5 videos on your phone. That's why I have 6 phones.

   Doc: I have good news and bad news. Me: Bad news first Doc: The bad news is you're dying. Me: And the good news? Doc: The wifi is back up.

   *Sees window of opportunity... *Cleans it.

   Marriage: I gave sex up for this?

   Do atheists refer to Godzilla as Nothingzilla?

   My worst 3 subjects in school we're Math and English.