Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I beat 2048 today. Just goes to show that a little procrastination can still get you where you need to be.

   the 60's Batman and Robin were the brave pioneers of tight spandex pants ... blazing the brave trail for what would become the new and trendy fashion adopted by today's people of WalMart. Thanx Batman and Robin

   I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...

   Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom's on Mother's Day because that is what they are going to look like!

   I've have met everyone's mother today via Facebook

   I'm starting to think I might be a Vampire. If I got stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake I think it would kill me

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah,one of my Facebook friends has 189 likes on photo and yes she is half naked I think she is ready to go pro."

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

   Yes tell everyone who cares to listen about how Monday sucks so we all know what a bore you are.

   Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.

   If you want to be equal why would you need to be congratulated for being gay?

   With the way he supports them, I won't be surprised if Obama admits that he is also gay!

   If by multitasking you mean obsess and worry about a million things all at the same time then yes I'm multitasking.

   I only date women that aren't my wife.

   They say sex cures everything, but this broken foot isn't getting any better.

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

   There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.

   I gave up on everyone, don't make this about you.

   I'm pretty sure Facebook is marriage: lots of falling in love and zero sex