Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

   Ladies;if a guy invites you to his place and u're like..."hope we not fucking" there's a Special place for you in hell

   Funny thing I just heard my computer call out to it's father......"Data"

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… Like you ate a pinecone every single day.

   Seeing your kid at work today really put all your other mistakes into perspective.

   I'm not entirely sure a life spent smoking e-cigarettes is worth prolonging.

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   RIP to all those men who needlessly died at Gallipoli so that the corporations could benefit from another war.

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus

   Feeling and thinking are directly proportional to each other and inseparable.

   Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together

   Fun thing to do #47 When you see someone on one knee tying their shoe stand in front of them and say "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES"

   My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

   "No, honey, I don't talk about you on Facebook." *enables passcode lock on phone*

   I would give up Facebook for you baby.

   Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure

   Sorry I fake yawned when you started talking.

   Light beer and turkey bacon probably won't kill you but why take the chance??