Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can pour coffee into the reservoir marked “water” on your coffee maker. You can do this as many times as you want!!! Science!!!

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..

   All the Christian festivals revolve around chocolate & presents. Almost as if they're trying to lure kids in for some reason.

   After all these years, I finally figured out the reason why The Professor never got the castaways off Gilligan's Island, while we all know that he very well could have. He was doing both Ginger AND Maryann.

   Sorry I'm late,, the floor was lava

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace.

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to…go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   I never meant to pleasure myself in front of the cobras. The cobras were loving it.

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   So it's "cute" when I take a bath in the kitchen sink as a baby but "a felony" when I do it as an adult? This is the worst Applebee's ever

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".

   Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.

   I don't do selfies. The only time I picture myself is when I am with you.

   I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"

   I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.

   I was watching the gay scene on Game Of Thrones and my dad walked in on me... and immediately walked back out.. Now, he won't even make eye contact with me.

   I'm going to sue all of the big media production houses in America. For years I have been keeping digital backups of all of their works and to date they have not paid me a single cent for my services rendered.

   In honor of Earth Day, McDonalds will now start making their food biodegradable!

   You are 18 yrs old, dating a 52 year old man and your status update says "I can't wait to see my baby" is he your baby or ANCESTOR?