Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do kids today even realize what great Buubs the Activia lady used to have?

   Can we have a song about being happy that doesn't involve clapping?

   If you tell me you're gonna "hop in the shower," I'll picture you naked, hopping around in the shower like an idiot.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   Reflecting on my life... I'm really surprised I haven't been shot in the face.

   Angel on my shoulder needs to shut up.

   if someone is bipolar & bisexual, are they a "quad"?

   People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   I wonder if the serial killers use facebook. Jeffrey Dahmer : "Had a couple friends over for dinner last night"

   Yes Timmy,, The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons............ but mostly morons, the universe is FULL of morons..

   Mary had a little lamb last night. I had a big lamb. My fat ancestors are dead.

   Jury duty? Want to get out of it? Remember those four little words..."The spud did it."

   ...... Today is 4-21 .... National Surprise Drug Test Day!

   And God promised men that good wives would be found in all corners of the world,,then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed

   Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!

   An oversized kitten blessed me with a gigantic ballsack

   I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.