Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to conquer a woman and lose her in 3 seconds...you look beautiful! You don´t look like you at all!

   All you need to find true love is a gun, some rope and duct tape.

   Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.

   It's okay to hate happy people.

   My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.

   “Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.”

   OK, How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   why is it when there are 2 girls in a profile picture it always belongs to the uglier of the two?

   It's been a year since the Boston bombing. It makes me very sad that one of the bombers is still alive.

   .... There are only two things that are certain in life .... and I took care of one of them today .... let's hope the other one holds off for a while ....

   .... There are two things in life that are certain ... and I took care of one of them today .... I'm really hoping the other one will hold off for quite a while!!!

   Congratulations to CNN for having the longest running TV show in TV history: Malaysia Flight 370

   “I can't wait to drunk text this girl who doesn't give a sh*t about me.” - ALCOHOL

   Coffee will never tell me I had too much to drink last night, unlike some people in this house

   Sorry I didn't hear a word you said. I was pretending your nose was the MUTE button

   Have you tried checking her purse for your balls?

   If God wanted more people to attend church why doesn't he lower the price of gas?

   Sorry I ruined your life. I thought you were flirting with me.

   Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update.

   If you say there's a party in your pants, you should throw some glitter on your nuts and make it a disco.