Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last week I applied for a job with the state and had to take an IQ test before I left. In today's mail from them was a rejection letter, a get well card and a $20 bill.

   I am more convinced than ever that we are fast approaching the idiocracy...that epochal tipping point in our development, where stupid people set the agenda for humanity

   PETA is after me. I made Tuna Fish Soft Tacos. I used Dolphin-Safe Tuna, but All-Porpoise flour. THAT'S FUNNY...SHADDAP!

   After all these years of working in I.T., I have come to the following conclusion: "Dilbert" is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   my doctor told me to stay off alcohol until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 98 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   We still don't know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS

   Just so I'm sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.

   I forced a hot dog into my mouth... and now I have an erection.

   I DIDN'T SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT, SO I MADE MY COFFEE THIS MORNING WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF WATER.............I GOT HALF WAY TO WORK BEFORE I REALIZED I FORGOT MY CAR!!!

   “are you f cuking kidding me” - me every two seconds at work.

   I once thought I'd found my soul mate. Weed is funny like that.

   When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought --- "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."

   Women who build walls around yourselves, please consider putting in a gloryhole.

   I just danced with 3 burglars with no weiners

   New 1 minute porno to be made, going to be called Done in 60 seconds!

   If anyone knows of anyone who sells mass amounts of weed let me know.. The cops want to speak with them

   My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.

   Never trust a girl on a Nutella jar.

   I'm bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....

   I am pretty excited for the newest season of "The Weather Radio" starring Steven Hawking