Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it is National Pancakes Day. Dreams really do come true!

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.

   911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"

   It's official I'm suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone

   I guess running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights

   I hate when girls say, "you probably say that to every girl." don't you use the same resume when applying to different jobs?

   Russia and China are now allies, Iran and North Korea are building nukes and Obama is our Commander In Chief? Hmmmm....Where toast!!

   I've wiped my bottom 47 times already. It's like there's someone back there with a paintbrush trying to p!ss me off.

   Native American strippers have an unfair advantage. They can make it rain every time they dance.

   When Life gives you lemons, consider purchasing a different cereal.

   Cold beer is always a good idea.

   Even death can't get you out of the friend zone... she'll be at your funeral like "he was like a brother to me"

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.

   some of you people are taking the term Fat Tuesday way too seriously

   Mardi Gras reminds me how much inflation changes things. Beads used to buy you the island of Manhattan, now you only get two coconuts

   Hey Kanye, We might get another Kim Kardashian after Oscar Pistorius's trial.

   On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober."

   On Monday, Chipotle will begin selling tofu burritos in the New York area. So if you love burritos, and you love tofu . . . you probably don’t exist.