Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone once told me it was really cool to bang a snowman.

   I only advocate hemosexual lesbians. You know ladies what I'm saying.

   The easiest way to keep people from getting involved in your personal problems is to not post them on the internet.

   The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “Damn That’s how I want you to do it.”

   Just saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said got dope?

   You say “YOLO”, I say “YADA”. You’re A Dumb As%.

   5 Stages of Life: 1. Just a kid. 2. Don’t want to be a kid. 3. Afraid you’re still a kid. 4. Definitely not a kid. 5. Wish you were a kid.

   I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh*t, I want you to as well.

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   Owning a car is having a friend you can scream inside of.

   Uptight, dumb chick litmus test. Send her a Poke. If she gets overly offended, don't bother going any further.

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   If the animals are doing it, it must be the right thing - homo logic

   Head Lines in the News today. Philip Seymour Hoffman died of acute mixed drug intoxication. I am not mocking his death or anything, but no matter how weeds I mix and smoke is not going to kill me. . .

   If a woman doesn't a have a fb profile pic...better you should spend 6 hours with your face buried in Governor Christie's a$$, than a half hour with her on a dinner date.

   Sleep with me so I can put my freezing feet on you and probably take all of the covers and use you as a pillow. - WOMEN

   Excuse me dear, but don't you have a date with a coma?

   Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you've lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.

   Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you're on a diet.