Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Learns cellmate is dyslexic.

   If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   If the Universe could talk, it would sound like a combination of Morgan Freeman and Optimus Prime.

   Work hard for your bread Work smart for the wine and women

   Checklist: Poke People ✔ Delete People ✔ Block People ✔ Send Friend Requests ✔ Accept Friend Requests ✔ Ignore Chats ✔ Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ✔....Morning chores all done.

   If you're provoked by the slightest of the sly remark, you must visit a therapist before logging on to Facebook.

   I am so famous & powerful that every movie is released in a cinema near me.

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   Sure, we can bury the hatchet. How about in your head?

   I'm in touch with my feminine side. ... She just doesn't know it yet.

   O.K.... Now it's the scientists' turn to hide,,, and the Higgs boson has to find them

   So I got a handjob from this Blind woman the other day and she proceeds to tell me I have the biggest shaft she's ever felt. I then told her, "You're pulling my leg!"

   If all the women on Facebook were laid end-to-end I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

   I went to the store to buy some beef jerky but my credit application was turned down.

   I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment

   Cyanide, the one pill prescription cure all. . .

   Taking applications for a booty call, private message me, just don't be related. . .

   My drug of choice is not a drug at all, it's a plant. . .

   Some parents are so benevolent that put their lives in danger for their children - again for themselves actually- some other's

   My wheel mouse just hit 100,000 miles without an oil change. . .