Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.

   I bet at least half the guys who get struck by lightning's last thoughts were, "Holy Crap, am I a Highlander?"

   In a sad announcement yesterday afternoon, we found that comedy legend Harold Ramis passed away. Even sadder, we found that Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are alive and well...

   I am so proud of my gun, I left it alone and it did not kill anyone

   Dad, what is a silver and a bronze medal? Dad: I dunno son, we're canadians.

   I don't care what friend facebook suggests. I'm not poking McDonald's.

   Some call it love, I call it vodka.

   I'll throw my hands in the air, but when it comes to waving them around, don't expect me not to care.

   There was a fire at the clock factory today. Several people died from second hand smoke.

   This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!

   Peyton Manning: "OMAHA! OMAHA!....Aaron Hernandez: "ATTICA! ATTICA!

   My girlfriend likes sticking her breasts in my face, then asking for something really expensive. She inevitably gets what she wants! This, my friends, is what's known as a booby trap!

   I've had plenty of money throughout my life that I could have become an alcoholic. but I choose to invested in agriculture by smoking Marijuana. . .

   He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.

   My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that's when I hired my first hooker.

   Ladies….there is a difference between fake tanning and changing your entire ethnicity during the winter months.

   Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It's only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You'll be just fine.

   Native Americans don't make fun of criminals because it's wrong to mock-a-sin.

   Size doesn’t matter. It only, took one little comma to destroy this entire sentence.

   Don't think of them as gingers. Think of them as sweet potato people.