Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I have a son and he ends up having a bigger pen*s then me, does that mean he inherited his pen*s from his mom?

   Bring me pizza and beer and me love you long time.

   Administering medicine to a toddler should be an Olympic event.

   323 deaths attributed to modern sporting rifles; 195,000 deaths due to medical malpractice.... Well, looks like that makes ObamaCare 603.7% more deadly than an assault rifle.

   Whatsapp: Last seen at Facebook

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank.Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody

   My left butt cheek fell asleep. I'm half-assing every thing I do at work today.

   If you don't die at the end of your Facebook movie, I'm not interested.

   "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

   When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.

   If your boyfriend can't bench press you then you have a girlfriend.

   I am convinced that Kellogg's works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......

   If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"

   Everyday I'm shoveling. - Winter 2014

   If you don't like what I am playing.. I can play mmm Bop !

   Yes I am that one ex she doesn't want the world to know she ever dated.

   How much does Morgan Freeman charge to narrate a sex tape?

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   Calling Justin Bieber gay is an insult to Freddie Mercury.

   Patiently waiting for the Pro zac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!!!