Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Idiots who have lift kits on their trucks and have over 22 inch rims use Axe on their tires.

   Bob Costas' eyes went down on Ludmila Pachinko.

   Valentine Day weekend is over. I think Helen Keller plays the role of cupid in my love life.

   ATTENTION : All position for stupid people in my life ,have been filled ,no more applicants need apply. Thank You !

   Tu pac's of Eminems used to cost 50 cents. Kanye believe it? Isn't that Ludacris? Wil-I-am glad they aren't as cheap now, or I'd be an even bigger Puff Daddy than I already am.

   If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter

   I'm typing this status from my car. Now don't go flipping out, I’m in the passenger seat. It kinda makes it a little harder to drive, yet it fools the cops, so hey...

   Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.

   Bye, bye, Miss Alaskan Pie. Rode my Ski-Doo, To the igloo............................... This was a dumb idea, Sorry

   Who's up for some curling in my driveway?

   Ladies we don't say this often enough but THANK YOU. Thank you for not killing us in our sleep or putting arsenic in our sandwiches. Sincerely MEN.

   Presidents Day is here, when we can celebrate Abraham Lincoln driving all the vampires out of the USA

   For valentine's day I wrote out a list of 100 ways we can die together.

   If you were a contest, I’d enter you.

   Aren't you too fat to be this rude?

   I've lived with demons. I can handle you.

   I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN My tombstone.

   The voices in my head asked about you.

   Sorry I put Vaseline on your windshield wipers.