Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did the Broncos win the Super Bowl? I've seen thousands of children in Africa wearin Broncos shirts!

   I usually can stay pretty strong . Today is a weaker day...maybe I'm "ovary"acting...

   I was playing Chess today. I beat my wife. Then I went back to playing chess.

   If you own a dog that can fit inside a handbag, you don't own a dog ... or even a pet. You own a fashion accessory that sh*ts a lot.

   Roses are Red Violets are blue Beer is delicious Poetry is Hard Beer

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   My girlfriend said she wanted us to have a fairytale romance. So I poisoned her apple.

   And some life's are not meant for happy endings!

   Who put the oral in immoral?

   I am sorry baby but I belong to a secret cult that believes Valentine’s Day is just another day. Same applies to birthdays.

   The term "Politically Correct" is an idealistic, abstract term. Not in the social sense, but in the sense that politicians have an inability to do anything correct.

   Soccer gives he@d.

   Who had a better Sunday, Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Peyton Manning???

   "Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak".

   If there is no WiFi in heaven that sounds like hell to me.

   Hate it when my finger pokes through the toilet paper mid-wipe. Other than that, I've enjoyed my first week working at the old people's home

   I want to be the reason you scream, even of it's because I turned off the WiFi

   I guess papa johns is going to start serving pizza turnovers

   The only thing your inspirational tweets inspire me to do is b*tch slap you so you'll stop.

   I get it, American football was made after Americans realised they sucked at rugby.