Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can buy clothes in Extra Large or Extra Small, why is there no Extra Medium?

   Valentine's Day special: Half dozen condoms for sale. Expire on 3/2014! $4 or best offer. I doubt I'll need em.

   Roses are red My love for you is twisted Bend over my darling You're gonna get fisted

   Stop saying "woot woot". It's immature and annoying. Oh, that includes texting it as well.

   I think I'm allergic to low-energy lightbulbs. Whenever I switch one on, I can barely fecking see for twenty minutes.

   So, this guy left work a little bit ago for a cataract removal Since he's Japanese, Ihave no idea if he needs eye surgery or his escalade towed.

   Just heard two fat b*** tches fighting over a seat on the bus. one 60yrs, standing the other with kids sitting down. It wasnt annoying until I realized they was both fighting and screamin at each other for the section with the handicap seat! Thx Obamacare

   Relationship Status: Granny Panties

   Why Whiskey? Because sometimes happiness needs and opening act.

   Stop slapping my ass, said no woman ever.

   The forecast for Sunday's Super Bowl has improved in the last week. It's expected to be in the mid-30s with winds of only 6 miles an hour. That's a good temperature for New Jersey. It's above freezing but not so warm that you can smell the bodies in the s

   Today at Walmart, in the only two checkouts open I yelled "Omaha" and my friend and I tackled pass the fat people old people and kids right to the front of the line!

   Hi, I'm Amanda Knox for Olive Garden...if you can't actually visit Italy...

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my shyt together by the time I was the age I am now!

   Just bought the new book set "Understanding Women" the simplified version. it's 14 volumes with over 876 pages per volume.

   Im not staying we you getting old grandma, but you should stand in that same place too long with the lurking vultures up above!

   "Once in a while I like to pretend I hear something they dont. It drives them crazy....." -Every stupid household dog

   I finally got my shtt together but now it's too heavy to lift.

   I am the only one who talks to his dog and then pretends like he is talking back?

   "Im not sure if I actually have some free time on my hands, or if I'm just forgetting to come up with a really good posst?