Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

   I hope that the kind reader recognises this as a despairing attempt at humour.

   Who is Valentine's? And why is my girlfriend talking about him a lot lately?

   Nothing like choking someone with love to make them run away from you.

   My girlfriend wanted a Cinderella-themed birthday party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my place!

   It's amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.

   Some people are better kept only as Facebook friends and never to be interacted with in real life.

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   Only if women knew how special it makes a man feel when you wake him up in the middle of the night to give you some coz you are feeling horny.

   I just saw a Middle-Eastern guy vigorously shaking out a carpet off a 3rd floor balcony in my condo building. I yelled out, "WHAT UP, AKBAR? IT WON'T START?"

   Forget Klondike, you should see what people do for open bar!

   They say money can't buy you happiness, but I've got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.

   A Facebook s tatus update so confusing you turn your radio down to read it.

   I think when you said: You ruined EVERYTHING! You were wrong, because this beer is still delicious.

   I lost my job at the emergency hotline because I kept answering “share the joke” when people called and said “I’m dying here”

   My boss insists I need to start using my head, so I wore a cap to work today.

   Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.

   You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?

   I just saw two Latino's shooting hoops. I think it was Juan on Juan.

   I can't wait for the Amanda Knox extradition party. I hear it's gonna be a killer!