Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if 3D printers print cookies? Because if they can't then they are useless...

   Day 88: I am thankful for my joke site. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as amusing on Facebook.

   Ladies, instead of asking, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” you should ask, “Does this fat make my jeans look big?”

   It's a sick world where Paul Walker can die in an auto accident and Bieber walk away with a bad singing career... and breathing.

   If you can't be with the one you love, tolerate the one you're with.

   Baby, Baby, Baby, NOOOOOOOO! - Bieber's first night in jail

   have the comedians not woken up yet today or what? I can't post this crap

   That special moment when you enter a Starbucks and because the music is loud, you feel free to fart. Then you realize that you had your headphones on!

   both of yall are idiots because southwest doesn't even know where they fly to

   My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn't said anything, but I can bet that's what she is thinking.

   Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again? That happens to me all the time.

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   Can't wait for the NFL Pro Bowl tonight said no one ever.

   Maybe at tonights Grammy's, Justin Bieber will get the award of Demerit.

   I am not acting childish and you're just a big doody-head.

   Boy, I'd hate to be your therapist. -All my friends

   I've learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.

   Macklemore swept the Rap categories, now I get why its called The Heist.

   Update: an update has been well described as the process whereby the update of a person becomes the update of another without passing through the mind of either.

   If you love someone set them free. If they come back with two police officers, it means stalking was not a good idea.