Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who say, "Never mind" after bringing something up really piss me off. Why did you bring it up in the first place?

   Oh dear god. Please get these feelings off of me.

   Unless your pickup line is: I have a full time job and I'm ready for commitment... I'm not interested.

   To the woman who long ago decided she'd just put a pen*s in her mouth for the fun of it, your application for sainthood has been filed.

   "Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants

   an episode of Cougar Town? No, sorry. I have plans on watching my car rust

   During love making she said "deeper" so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

   When a dumb chick takes her boyfriend back after catching him cheating on her, 90% of the time he will celebrate by cheating again.

   Justin Bieber arrested for DUI and street racing. He was under the influence of drugs and was incoherent. He resisted arrest without violence and didnt have a drivers license. There is no joke here, the headline is funny enough on its own merit.

   Justin Bieber, why you no die drag racing like Paul Walker?

   If you axe me I be hatin' Ebonics.

   Jennifer Aniston's acting has the emotional range of the volleyball in Castaway.

   There is a thin line between girlfriend allowance and a prostitute's fee. Jokes.

   Wishing death on someone ain't cool. Except when it's your ex, wish for a cruel death.

   Look, I am fed up with the gays demanding and ordering what they want. You are sick People. You have an Illness that needs a cure. Stop badgering the Normal people because you feel you need to express your sickness.

   Every minute Justin Bieber is held in jail is a victory for good music.

   Didn't the volleyball in Castaway win an Oscar?

   Research has shown that more than 70% of apologies are meaningless bullsh*t.

   I need a full body the selfie movement ain't doin it for me lady's

   My favorite part of the bible is the part where that old guy is like "We're gonna need a bigger boat"