Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   BREAKING NEWS: It snows during winter time.

   From the outside everyone looks like a nice person, try living with them for a week and see who they really are.

   When at a club & a really huge guy smacks your girl’s ass, ask her before she asks you “are you just going to let that guy smack your ass?”

   I love you so much that if I had to choose between the last bottle of vodka in the world and you, I would make a toast in your honor.

   I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

   iPhone 6 will be wider, but at my age, I'll tap anything...

   Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?

   Your wife is so fat, when she runs she makes the mp3 player skip... at the radio station.

   A fool spends his entire life denying that he is a fool. A wise man accepts and embraces that he is a fool.

   I'm thinking this Super Bowl will create the biggest buzz of all and more shotguns than ever.

   Oh yeah Morgan Freeman... My Olympic moment involved an open bar. I don't remember the details, but I needed stitches.

   Some critics say Governor Christie isn't fit to hold office. They should just widen all the doorways where he goes to work. Problem solved.

   I think I'd takes Joan Rivers opinions on how people look more seriously if she didn't look like something that sits on a ventriloquist's lap.

   I think being the winner of the Great American SPAM Recipe Contest is a perfect example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   I think married people should spend a lot of time experimenting sexually. Unless the name of the experiment is "Let's see how long I can make him go without sex".

   I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back. . .

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   Obituaries are the first thing my Nana checks in the paper on Saturdays... I think she enjoys getting through to the next round.

   I'm happiest when I'm asleep. It's my little temporary death.