Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cld we had to chop up the piano for firewood. And the sad thing is, we only got two chords.

   If incest is good enough for the royal family, then it's good enough for mine. - Rednecks

   How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?

   You can't borrow my phone because you might go through my contacts and see what I really call you.

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.

   ...it's so cold out, I just Googled, "how to induce menopause"...

   When you have a wife who can’t cook, Tupperware is just the waiting room for the trash can.

   He north, stfu about the cold! You never hear the south complain about the hea.....nvm carry on

   Nothing starts your day on the wrong foot like cutting your shower short to drop a duece...

   My motto is: I can stay awake when I'm dead.

   Just because I'm not in a good mood doesn't mean I don't want sex

   The Polar Vortex was caused by my wife's feet.

   I'm not really interested in a one-night stand. An hour, two tops, will suffice.

   I cut my thunb and am texting with my index finger. Can I get one of those special license plates?

   I'm impressed with how much passive aggression a woman can pack into the letter "k."

   Remember last week when I said I couldn’t wait for all the Christmas candy to be gone? Well, I lied…

   That's about as pointless as warming up hot sauce in the microwave.

   Where's Heat Miser when you need him?

   Everybody is complaining about the weather. I'm complaining about a cold toilet seat.