Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   I don't know if this makes me a homophobe or not, but from a guy's perspective, I much prefer the hole to be situated in front.

   If you ever jammed to Unskinny Bop, you really can't complain about todays music...

   2014. Yep, nothing's changed. The good people are still good. The bad people are still bad. The smart people are still smart. The slow people are still slow...and the assh0les are still assh0les.

   Pop corn isn’t meant to be eaten grain by grain. Stick your hand in the box, take a handful and shove it onto your face. Live a little.

   “Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.

   I'd rather mail myself somewhere than ride in a Smart Car.

   Sometimes when I see a married couple, it appears to me like two people joined together to become one desperately boring person.

   You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let's do it!!

   Can you fall in love through a rifle scope?

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   my tooth is pounding like crazy! wheres the tooth fairy when you need her!?

   Some people hope their search for happiness ends in love and fulfillment, I just hope mine ends in minimal bloodshed and no felony charges.

   Oh, I would love to stay for your yoga class....but, I think I would rather floss with barbwire or give myself a tattoo.

   Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.

   I don't want to rescue pets, farm, pop bubbles, or crush candy...

   Hmm, very untrusting of the old white van parked at the play ground with the handwritten cardboard sign saying "free candy inside"... sending one of my kids to check it out...

   I can't believe Walmart already has Valentine's Day stuff out. which reminds me.. I need to lose my girlfriend soon

   Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan.

   My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.