Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water.

   Poetry doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to touch someone where your hands couldn't.

   One man's sarcastic answer, is another man's stupid question!

   When her toes start throwing up gang signs, you know you've hit the right spot.

   I love my new wood heater. Women actually want to take their clothes off for a change

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

   I guess its official. Baby New Year is a boy again, and everyone's already waiting for his ball to drop.

   Goal for 2014: Continue to live forever. So far, so good.

   since New Years is on a hump day (Wednesday) maybe this will be the year I get a lo of humping

   these neighbors shooting their guns off, you'd think a lot of people just died in The Hunger Games cause the gun sounds kinda like the cannon sound in the movie

   I'm outside banging kitchen pots together so my neighbors can think I'm strapped......lol happy new years everyone

   To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a Wednesday!!!

   Happy belated birthday Jesus.

   It would seem there's a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn't love you.

   I am not the kind of guy to offer to buy a girl some drinks at the bar, I am the kind to offer to buy her some decent clothes.

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   What's a pirate's fave letter of the alphabet? Trick question. They are illiterate savages whose purposes are ill-served by the written word

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps

   One of my biggest fears is meeting Bono from U2 and saying "I'm a huge fan, Bobo."