Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "S3x! S3x! S3x! Free s3x tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

   Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..

   If you really wanna drive her crazy, make her guess how you feel.

   Please don't cry. You look ugly when you cry - me consoling a crying woman

   It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.

   New Year's Eve is my favorite alcoholiday

    "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder

   Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good.

   "It's no surprise that Brittany Spears lip syncs, but her fierce choreography makes up for it," says one Critic about her new Las Vegas show...Hasn't Brittany's dancing ALWAYS made up for what she calls her singing since day one?

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!

   2 large ships stuck in ice during Antarctic summer. One of them an icebreaker. Al Gore could not be reached for comment.

   If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is it forced cannibalism...?

   That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned

   I still haven't been able to deal with the fact that Jessica Simpson has had two children and didn't name either one "Homer"

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions

   For a guy who could turn water into wine, it’s surprising Jesus wasn’t a hit with the ladies.

   I'm "when wrestling was the WWF, not WWE" years old.

   Some women cook salt with a bit of food in it.

   Religion is a spiritual joke thats gone too far.