Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men who cry about being single, cry even louder after getting married !!

   Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.

   I take things too literally. My mom sent me to the grocery store, “Get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I came home with a dozen loaves of bread, and told her, "They had eggs."

   My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven't tried yet.

   You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."

   First time I married 4 love. I've learned my lesson. Next time it's all about sex and money, but mostly sex.

   can anyone tell me why the crimson tide sucks?

   My phone changed the word calendar to "cake radar." Now I'm sad that I don't have that

   All I wanted for Christmas was to get promoted out of the friend zone.

   Looking forward to 2014 again..... she was 20 and I was 14. Good times!

   I don't know about you but I'm that guy who will strike up a conversation with you while waiting in a long line.Tell a joke to all the people standing there to change their day and mine also. I enjoy people..... and life is too short!

   Maybe Fedex and UPS need some of those delivery drones!

   I'm working on my 2014 New Year's Resolutions List 1. On January 1st, "Express order" workout equipment. 2. January 2nd workout with new equipment 3. January 3rd "Place Ad to sell workout equipment at 1/2 price"

   Writing a new rap song and need a word that rhymes with trigger.

   Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.

   I'm glad that Christmas is over so I don't have to see that no talent ass clown who became famous and started winning Grammys on Honda commercials anymore!

   Kanye West said he wants to be the 'Obama of clothing.' To achieve his goal, he's probably designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn't work.

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!!

   If you are going to stalk me, at least be cute.