Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Holidays are way too commercialized now a days. Please keep in mind the true meaning of Christmas while and your loved ones put up Christmas lights that are currently 75% off at Walmart!!

   I only takeSTD test in jail. I like all my bad news atone time

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?

   My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

   I'm glad that money you didn't know you had can survive the wash and dry cycle

   Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

   I’m white but not “I like to watch golf” white.

   Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder."

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking my intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   Christmas sure does smell a lot like weed.

   Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I'm still putting butter on them!!

   Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.

   I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm good once as I ever was.

   On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!

   I. really hate when Grandma gets me underwear for Christmas-they are always. " I Won't Get Caught Dead In Whitey-Tightys!"

   Guran is a copy of Bible and Bible is a copy of another old book.; look at that much plagiarism.

   "Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see" a two-faced man.

   I'm deaming of a white Christmas......but if the white runs out, I'll drink the Red.

   I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.