Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, if Professor X can move objects with his mind,,, why can't he make his legs move?

   X It must suck being stupid and knowing 100% of all parents wish you were smart.

   Cutler pulled a Romo... or was it a Cutler... idk anymore.

   I am never surprised when these sportsmen and celebrities do or say something dumb like on social media. Most of them are not exactly rocket scientists.

   Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.

   A joyous Festivus to all! May your strength prevail and grievances be few.

   Been almost ten years single. A friend asked if I masturbated a lot. I said no, I don't want to get dust all over the place.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   In 1984 I was 10 and burried a time capsule to be opened on new years day 2014....Well the day is almost here and I am so excited to see how big my puppy has gotten

   May the sweat of a billion camels invade your crouch and armpits and the smell of a million skunks invade your breath!

   Most places claiming to have Real New York Pizza usually don't. It's more like: "Real Upstate New York Pizza."

   I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.

   May the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it.

   I went to Jared for my girlfriend's Christmas gift. I'm sure she will love her Subway gift card.

   500,000 people signed up for Obamacare and the McRib is back... You do the math.

   Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.

   Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP,,, until you have something someone else needs

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beer.

   JOHN 12:49 - For I did not speak of my own ACCORD. Translation - Jesus drove a HONDA but he did not boast about it.

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.