Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe it's already been a whole year since the world ended.. :(

   The Duck Dynasty guys better hope nobody tells PETA or the Gun Control lobby that they're gun living duck killers.

   One thing awesome about my childhood was being able to play with a 'toy' gun without the authorities getting involved.

   I just invented a new game in the office called “I can guess what your new year resolution will be” but fat people don’t want to play :(

   This nice policeman has offered to perform a cavity search on me. I didn’t know law enforcement is concerned with our dental hygiene.

   GLAD AND GLAAD... Both great to associate with garbage. "Don't get mad, like GLAAD" ignorant libs!

   My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.

   Make money like a man, spend it like a woman.

   If I could have a moment of your time I'd just like to say, Happy Easter everyone.

   You know some sh*t is about to go down when she turns her phone sideways to type.

   Ladies; Don't forget to text him and ask how his d*ck is today

   I wonder if Johnny Depp's bracelets ever get jealous now that Steven Tyler's scarves are dating Bruno Mars' hats.

   Some symptoms of psychopathic behavior are manipulativeness, pathological lying, lack of empathy and writing 'heeeeeeey' in texts.

   Guys, the secret to a successful marriage is learning to choose your battles knowing you've already lost the war.

   Women - your mouth can get you into a lot of trouble, but it can get you out of a hell of a lot more trouble.

   Revenge is a dish best served on the dance floor.

   So after a 7hr erection, do I seek out a Doctor or a Porn Studio?

   "Call it a sweatshirt.. Those?,, those are sweatpants.. That one is a sweater.. Gosh, it's hot in here." ... (The guy who named clothes)

   Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.

   Through all the turmoil, tears and tribulations, she has definitely made me a better man. Bitter man, sorry.