Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my brain has too many tabs open.

   I miss you like Michael J Fox misses soup

   Son why did you draw a dinosaur with a machine gun? First off, they can't shoot guns. And secondly, This rules,,, I'm calling the museum

   Some people call me insensitive, but that's not true. I have an emotion: I feel sorry for the millions of pathetic losers who walk around like sheep waiting to be shorn.

   I don't censor my opinions for anyone!

   Kanye West knew it was love at first sight the moment gazed deeply into Kim Kardashian's big brown mirrored sunglasses.

   I just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of pink duck calls by 25%!! What a guy...

   pregnant chicks get on the bus and think you suppose to give them your seat like b@tch you should of fcked a niqqa with a car

   just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of p3n!s shaped duck calls.

   Sex is great, but.....HAVE YOU EVER HAD STUFFED CRUST PIZZA?!?!

   If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.

   Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison

   If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

   I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.

   accidentally blew my duck call backwards and I called in Carson Kressley from queer eye for the straight guy. That was weird

   Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.

   Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll

   Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? Hell no!

   I imagine love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then Listening to it over and over again till you hate that song."

   Santa is a Democrat: 1. He sits on his butt all year long. 2. He has other people do all the hard work. 3. He then takes credit for giving away all the free stuff they made.