Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fingers crossed that this is the end of that terrible show

   Duck Tales should be the replacement for Duck Dynasty-Huey, Dewy, and Louie only had one McQuack!

   Cooking with cheese is so awesome, even when it's the only ingredient the recipe calls for.

   I forget my password so often I made it incorrect that way when I'm wrong the computer reminds me...

   no more ducks, Deens, gators, survivalist-preppers, Amish Mafia, snake handlers, moonshiners & hillbillie loggers for 2014. C'mon tv channels, you're better than that, stop with the stupid crap

   Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.

   Everyone is entitled to their own opinion even if it is right.

   Where is the Love? Discrimination and Homophobia, do you know how many of our children committed suicide because of this? What if it was your child? Born This Way

   I am not above speaking in tongues and praising Lucifer to make the neighbors go away.

   My phone acts like it's been violated by my computer. Everytime I plug it in it asks me if i'm sure I can trust the computer. Drama queen.

   Ass so fat it swims with a shirt on.

   I have this great midnight snack it's called, what do I think my roommate won't notice if I eat the edges off of

   Sorry I peed on your baby, but in my defense he started it.

   I just pitched A&E Network on a show. A Jevvish spinoff on Duck Dynasty. Schmuck Dynasty. Too soon?

   There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible.

   I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.

   Should I get a puppy, or have a child? Well, I would rather ruin my carpet, than ruin my life.

   This just in: North Korea has sent a fax to threaten Seoul 'mercilessly without notice.' Bet Seoul is really scared -- back in 1982.

   Please do not mistake my civility for affection or sympathy- I am just as courteous when I shoot you between the eyes as when I tolerate smalltalk with you.

   When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?