Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, we are now exposed and contaminated with dumb sh*t people just used to keep to themselves in their dumb heads.

   Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.

   Deductive reasoning skills are a double-edged sword. You see, those of us who are self-motivated, pay attention to detail and use deductive reasoning must be punished for how we make those who don't "feel..."

   You ever think that just possibly these milk, bread and toilet paper companies are behind these overestimated, hysteria causing weather reports????

   Kanye West "Kim fought for her position in society".....Wait Kanye, didn't she obtain her fame because of a video, in the bent over "position?"

   The thinner the eyebrows, the crazier the girl.

   If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world

   If someone is asking for advice, don't tell them to "just be yourself". They wouldnt ask you if that was working.

   Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

   Feeling like a movie tonight....I think I'll watch Fast and Furious 6 and then maybe half of 7

   Drunk Cow Tipping: get drunk and Tipsy with a cow.

   Victoria Secret Fashion Show is on, all girls are depressed right now.

   The only thing girls are going to get from watching the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is depression, an eating disorder & turn lesbian!

   I just saw 3 Angels walk down a runway wearing thongs...oh sorry it's just The VIctoria Secret Fashion Show

   R.I.P Mandela excuse me while I take this selfie at your funeral---Obama

   ACA's, CMA's, ACM's...country music is working on having as many stupid awards shows as college football has pointless bowl games.

   I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

   Just saw a "for lease" sign, I painted "navidad" under it ...

   If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!