Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you need me, I'll be in the shower trying to wash away the last twenty years of my life.

   Being smart doesn't stop yolu from doing stupid things.

   I don't want anyone to bother me with stupid $h!t today. Stupid $h!t is defined as anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

   I guess that they couldn't 'debug' Grace Hopper this time....

   I took it to the house once, but my wife made me return it.

   Love means never having to say you're sorry. But only if the relationship you're in is imaginary.

   Pro tip: Don't play mind games with smart people when you know you are dumb.

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft.

   You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

   If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

   I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

   If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.

   Gronk out for season. Ramsey will throw the cheese curls in the air again.

   What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   If milk goes to $8 a gallon its gonna be hard for you ladies to trust anymore.. Cuz you always gonna wonder if he really likes you for you or cuz he loves him some Lucky Charms...

   At the store today I bought some recycled Tiolet paper....question....how did they get it so white?

   Sometimes when people come up in my chat on Facebook, I feel like Facebook is like "Go on. Open that pandoras box" LOL