Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I opened the door and pulled up a chair for you, so we are engaged now.

   There's no feeling in the world like when two people want each other so bad... to die.

   $15 an hour just to put a pickle on a bun? What are you? A McDummy?

   It's so cold out by the time I walked to the car, the footlong I got at Subway was on a 6 incher.

   The "AMERICAN" flag in my yard is hanging at half staff for those lost in Pearl Harbor, no one else.....that is all

   Ravens fans, What's does excitement and happiness feel like? Curious Redskins fan.

   "Christmas" Trees $5.00 per ft...."Holiday" Trees $20 per ft......Merry Christmas!

   i bought all my Grandma's friends at the nursing home Ouija boards for Christmas so we can keep in touch in the New Year.

   Kanye West says he is going to be the next Nelson Mandela! Quick someone put him in jail for 27 years.

   I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter's date. ..then I told him it's much faster after 11pm

   The difference between Kanye's supposed genius and his stupidity is that his genius has it's limits.

   Whenever I see our many elected leaders in the news or in commercials I always envy McDonalds employees. This is because they only have to tolerate seeing one clown who runs the show on TV.

   I think they put "The Island of Misfit Toys" in the Rudolph Christmas special so poor kids know why they get crappy presents from Santa at Christmas.

   Catholic Priests rub me the wrong way.

   I am about tired of all this frozen global warming!

   When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses

   Don't stab people in the back...Stab em in the front!!!

   With the holidays, I'd rather check my facebook than face my checkbook...

   I never thought I would ever say this, but I am supporting Lindsay Lohan in this catfight. Lesser of two evils is my reasoning.

   The problem with alcohol is that that... it wears off.