Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 300,500,192 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 10:29PM on 22/05/2003

   It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off.

   My son just told me a joke. So here it is, tell me what you think. Why do midgets laugh when they run?? Cause the grass tickles their balls.

   Nothing says thankful and greatful like puching your fellow man in the mouth for $30 off a cheap TV made in China. Now get out there and fight for your kids presents, cause whats a great Christmas without a war story for the kids..

   Express lanes should have signs banning old people and people paying with food stamps.

   the number of tattoos & piercings a person has is directly related to how quickly they get bored

   If watching the big-screen TV with a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy...

   on a positive note, I got the results of my drug test back today

   Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.

   Suddenly I think I know how an Oreo Double Stuff cookie feels.

   I wonder if George Zimmerman went Back Friday shopping

   To shop the best on "Black Friday" it is easier to throw stink bombs by large crowds to get them to clear the area.

   Evidence from Social Media Usage shows that the number of idiots on earth is going to surpass the number of normal people by the year 2015.

   I may not regularly keep in touch with my friends and loved ones, but I always keep an eye on my enemies.

   I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.

   Lemonade or orange juice? I'm asking the vodka.

   So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?

   Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.