Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Elastic Waistband Day

   The neighbors dog is thankful I'm not drunk enough to discharge a firearm in the city limits. yet.

   Relationship status: Taken but not stirred.

   No matter how hard life gets just remember there are always people out there who love you, if you pay them enough.

   How many bottles of vodka are you supposed to put in this thanksgiving gravy?

   I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

   I would never argue with a female I'm not sleeping with.

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting .

   it's my first american thanksgiving how many guns do I bring?

   Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach obviously never had a blow job.

   Call her Princess. B*tches love being addressed as royalty.

   I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

   Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.

   This whole pumpkin pie is not only delicious..... It also contains nearly 50% of my Thanksgiving Day requirement of pumpkin pie..

   Its almost that time kids...Does everyone have their plungers ready?

   Today is thanksgiving day tomorrow is toilet blow out day!!!

   Ben Roethlisberger was just on an NFL commercial saying what he was thankful for. He forgot to mention not being charged or found guilty of sexual assault. twice.

   I think my pet bird just called me a murderer.

   Ate way too much food, drank too much wine and watched TV the rest of the day. I'm feelin' SUPER American right now

   New Jersey is considering a law that makes it illegal to eat while you're driving. When Governor Chris Cristie heard about it he yelled "Shotgun"